Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to dig a well. – African Proverb
I like to compare the process of trust building with the ancient practice of digging wells. In the Bible, wells were regularly places of divine appointments and answers to prayer. They were places of provision. A good well was reliable and life-sustaining.
Likewise, when we dig wells of trust through the seasons - with God and with others - we are storing up a reliable source of relational capital, namely trust. Relational trust is something valuable we can draw from when navigating tough transitions marked by uncertainty.
Nowhere does this show up more than in our conversations during heated transition moments. Yes, you know what I’m referring to….those moments in seasons of change when our trust well has run dry and we are most prone to become impulsive, impatient and defensive.
Creating wells of trust involves the initial work of establishing (think digging) and the ongoing work of maintenance (think clearing debris). Establishing wells of trust takes initiative, discipline and trustworthiness. Maintaining wells of trust may involve seeking reconciliation, defending and protecting trust, and advocating for each other.
Conversations are key components to digging wells of trust. In fact, trust can only go so deep without open, honest dialogue. But these conversations, particularly when transition is at the core, can be extremely challenging. To complicate matters, there may be a history of poor communication and offense. The good news is that resets are possible, and here’s a few tips that can help:
Communicate don’t just comment.
One-off remarks and voicing opinions outside of healthy conversations can be detrimental to trust building. One-sided comments usually break down rather than build trust. Hit the pause button and invite healthy dialogue.
Validate what you’re hearing the other person say, even when you don’t agree with what is being said.
Try hard to understand the other person’s point of view through active listening. Let them know you’re hearing their concerns and feelings around the topic. Listen without interruption and summarize what you’ve heard. This approach is validating toward the other person and has the potential to break down walls of mistrust that have been built up.
Use questions to move toward a problem-solving, non-defensive mindset.
I can tell when I’ve taken a defensive posture because I’m doing more telling than asking. Not only does this signal my own own defensiveness, it also causes the other party to respond in a similar way. Before we know it, we’ve multiplyied offenses and stirred up defense mechanisms. Shifting to question mode and putting the problem on the table can help people let down their guard. Then we can get back to working together to solve complex issues inherent in transition.
Build in some flexibility.
Transitions can be emotional roller-coaster rides. Some changes we never see coming. They blindside us. The person in transition will appreciate some flexibility and space to explore options that come up, even after they’ve made a decision that seems firm. This is the grace principle at work. Let’s not get so legalistic and rigid that we ignore personal needs and withhold compassion from someone who is navigating tough choices brought about by change.
Here’s to establishing and maintaining deep and lasting wells of trust in transition seasons!
-Tim
P.S. I have coaching spots available in 2024! Book a complementary discovery call with me HERE.